Protect Your Peace, Invest In Your Mental

If you watch Brittany Renner’s car rant videos, you know she is constantly encouraging her followers to invest in their mental health. Many people don’t even know that mental care is part of their healthcare plan and that they are already paying for it in their monthly premium. Seeing a therapist may be your cure to lack of sleep, stress, and depression. When me and my mom would get into huge arguments, she’d tell me that I needed anger management and that I was covered by my insurance, not even trying to be condescending or rude. Of course I told myself I didn’t need help, just a breather and to change my surroundings, which was true, but more steps had to happen before I moved on to another space without attacking the issues at hand. Once I left Jackson State, my friends no longer had as much time to help me talk out my problems (vice versa) and over- the-phone conversations just didn’t give me the same satisfaction. One night I met up with an old friend and as we were catching up, I just let it loose. I was lost. I had just left college after 5 years still not satisfied, accomplished, nor did I have any idea of where I was headed career wise. For so long I focused on what others’ wanted for me and I was headed into self-destruction.

We were out all night exchanging stories and it seemed that we had both lost ourselves and were trying to find a way back to our sanity. Both of us had always been known as the life of the party and quite friendly, but we had become anti social and dark. I think I said, verbatim, that I needed someone to talk to that I could open up to and understand the issues I was actually taking on. She referred me to a woman that she felt had her on the track to being healthy again. I booked my first session immediately because everyday I was experiencing a mental breakdown. She had an open appointment for me the next day, but the whole time driving there I wasn’t sure of how it was going to start; was I ever going to get better or feel better? When I walked in, I immediately felt safe, and we dove right in. She first told me to describe myself, and I responded, “I have a wall built up, I don’t like people, and I’m called cold hearted”. Many of the people that referred to me as these things didn’t know I was hurt by it because it seemed like I owned it. She said nothing. After you hear yourself say these once hurtful things about yourself, you have to reflect.

Our first meeting was the beginning of my healing journey. I attended sessions twice a month, and sometimes missed because I tried to tell myself I was okay, until I’d wake up uneasy or start showing signs of depression. We started from my childhood, and there were things I hadn’t accepted or people I had forgiven. Most of our talks stemmed from my “daddy issues” and feeling abandoned, never having those “daddy’s girl” moments, and we were so much alike I couldn’t stand it/him.  We went through everything and healed by the layers. There were things from my childhood I had carried into adulthood, she helped me see through certain people’s toxicity, feel better about letting them go, and she helped me to welcome new people into my life. Some ask me if I talked about Dom throughout my sessions, and yes, he came up a few times. There were a few men that came up during my sessions and Dom was the only one that didn’t bring pain to my life; He was a lover and friend. I call the other men before, “stuffers”, they were just there as placeholders until Dom and I took a chance on each other.

We attacked my relationships first because I am the type of person where I go off of vibes and how I connect with people and who I allow into my life is very important to me. I have a very hard time with change, especially when it comes to letting go of people in my life that I thought I loved and trusted. Once we uncovered my strongest allies and support system, we moved on to my career (or lack there of). My job situation at the time had me depressed, feeling mediocre, and knowing that I wasn’t completely happy with the major I studied for five years, I was scared I would never be successful. In my sessions we’d talk about nursing school, which I always gave a solemn response, and when she’d ask me to tell her where I saw myself in 5-10 years, it included owning BUSINESSES, and nursing school became a second choice in my heart. I was excited when I could come to her and tell her I had started Fish Fusion and I was finally being the entrepreneur I had been telling her I wanted to be, but soon even that became a sore subject. I felt like a minimum wage employee at my own business. Although I had found something I loved, I still needed to fill a void.

I began doing things outside of the food cart that made me happy and that I could do on my own, but now I ran into the problem of always trying to include my friends into my dreams. I tried starting a podcast with two of my best friends, but it’s hard to do a group project by yourself and have uneven momentum within the group. I gave up. I had to stop wanting to strive with people that didn't have the same drive. One day, she pulled out the dry erase board and a marker and we made a timeline of what I expected my life to be in the next 5 years and 10 years and even broke it down into months when I wanted to make an accomplishment. (example: start working out by May) That was the biggest blessing she could've given me; stability. It’s one thing to have a plan in your head, but to see it, is another.

After over a year of seeing her, I started going further apart, and we would recap on the last sessions. The growth I saw and heard her repeat made me emotional as fuck. I went from calling myself a cold hearted bitch to someone who was able to love, be open, let go, and do things without the acceptance of others. I am now able to identify how I am feeling and articulate it to the person I am feeling it with, without feeling ashamed or weak. Because of the timeline, it taught me to set realistic goals and conquer them. I started a weight loss journey that kept me in high spirits, and finally took the plunge to move. I keep her updated on things that I know were on the timeline and just to check-in. It was never the fact that I felt alone and couldn’t talk to anyone about my struggles but it was easier to talk to someone who had no emotional attachment to me and didn’t expect more out of me than I did myself. Most of the time she just let me talk because I needed someone to listen and not respond. Therapists aren't for the insane, but for those who are scared to reach a point of self-destruction. With all of the financial problems I had, she was the best investment I’ve made. Take time out for yourself to heal and grow.

Failure is Your Restart Button

We all have fears, and although some seem scarier than others’, how can you tell someone their fear isn’t big enough? I’m going to cut straight to it, I’m scared of failing. Why? Well, I think my family made me that way. If you know me, you know I have what my mother calls “a stank ass attitude” and I was truly a spoiled brat. I was always told that I better be something that made a lot of money because I liked too many nice things and love having the leisure to do and go where I want. I feared of letting my family down and I feared not having a luxurious life, but I was willing to struggle for what I wanted, just scared that failure would be the end result.

At an early age I knew that a typical job wasn’t for me, but who am I to think I don’t have to work a basic 9-5 job? I felt like I was missing something because I was never in love with it and I was always scared to tell my parents how I was feeling or to quit because I simply didn’t like it. Even in school my grades were average but I tried to compensate by being skilled in other ways to seem exceptional. So when asked about my grades I still had a bit of excellence to pride myself on. All of my flaws have always made me scared if I’d find someone who truly loved me and could deal with my moodiness, if I would find a career that didn’t feel so much like a job, if I will be a good parent or even be successful at having kids.

Like I’ve said before, when I moved to California, I was in debt to the moon. For the last few years I have been traveling and “living my best life” knowing that I needed to be saving and paying back my debt. I had covered up my money problems with trips and during that time I could barely sleep due to knowing that one day it would all catch up to me. Years ago I wanted instant gratification, when now I’m at home, watching all of my friends travel and doing things I should’ve waited to do when I had the means and my account wasn’t at risk of going negative. I kept this to myself in fear of hearing that I had ruined my future in buying a home, cars, or just owning anything. But have I failed…NO!

Being honest about my flaws and stupid mistakes helped me realize that if I didn’t change my spending habits, I would fail and everything Dom and I are trying to build would be at a halt trying to clean up a mess he wasn’t in my life for. I had to make one of the toughest and embarrassing decisions of my life, which was filing for bankruptcy. At this point, I had credit card debt being garnished from my check, and soon I would owe on the car accident from February of last year. I’d wake up nearly every morning disgusted with myself and knowing I dragged this man into my bullshit. I was roughly $16,000 in debt at 27 (not including school loans). Talk about failure. But once I filed, we both found a sense of relief. I could start over, and sleep peacefully now. Granted I can’t have any form of credit for a while but it showed Dom first hand what debt looks like. I’ve pretty much made all of the life mistakes for him.

When I started my business, I decided to take things slow this time because in my experience when I’ve tried to start projects, they failed because I was so pumped about the idea that I didn’t take my time figuring out the specifics. As you all know, 2019, is my clean slate, the cleanest it’s going to get. Dreams die fast when there’s no foundation to build the reality. I have learned that instant gratification has always ended up FAILING me. The sense of feeling behind, stagnant, or less than is just part of the process. Change your actions and the results have no choice to fall in line. I am blessed to have taken action on my faults before they were irreversible. Think of failure as a restart button because it’s never the end.